My ballet shoes are really worn out and I've got a few tiny holes in my pink tights. But otherwise, ballet classes has been getting better by the day. I have this little notebook where I'll write notes after class. For example, the angle between my legs of a jete (a jump technique) is 22.5 degrees and in order for my ankles to be square while en releve, I have to stretch the muscles of my ankles more by first doing a plie then rising immediately- this really hurts a lot by the way.
I think the most important insight that I've gained thus far is that there is no substitute for hard work. There are no shortcuts to strength, finesse and grace in ballet. I'm quite sure this applies to most areas in life too. Having not danced for a year while in Oregon (other than one failed ballet class on 3rd Street which went miserably), I entered my first ballet class at BU and performed like a frog. Yes I felt rather embarrassed and wondered if my ballet years were far over, even though I started at the age of 4. Secretly, I knew deep down that I wanted to do this- I wanted to perform at Aurora Borealis (a prestigious dance concert in BU) next Spring.
What could I do? Nothing but cast my fear aside and go for it.
The pressure was sometimes quite heavy that I was hesitant to even enter the studio. You know, ballerinas aren't exactly the friendliest bunch, constantly subtly competing with each other for the teacher's attention, to see who's develope is higher, who's skinnier and who can pirouette the most number of times or jump highest before proceeding to land without a sound.
But I just concentrated on myself and danced quietly everyday, twice on Tuesdays & Thursdays, for a month. I never dared breathe a word of pain or weariness in class (other than in this blog as an outlet and to my poor room mate to whom I complain to about my poor toes occasionally). Finally, today, my ballet teacher, Madame Margot, said aloud in class that I was very good and had worked very hard. Public praise is very rare from a ballet teacher, and I almost melted with joy. But more significant to me, is that Mme. Margot corrects my posture and pays attention to the details of my dancing more than any other girl in the class. And this is how I know I have won her favour.
So I would really like to take this opportunity to thank God for His favour, grace and strength to have overcame this hurdle and at least am dancing properly now (no longer looking like a frog). My God never abandons me, or my problems which may seem small and minute to the world but so very worrisome to me. Knowing that I have someone so huge backing me, gives me the strength to keep pushing, keep working and keep believing. And this is why at 2:44am, I am still up writing a paper which I have used most of my brain juice, but still foresee myself getting a C. I have been working pretty hard, but not getting straight As, I don't know why.
(I really want to cry whenever I think about this Writing class.)
However, I'm going to to stop working right now, brush my teeth, change into my pyjamas, and get some rest. I'm going to stop striving and using my own non-existant power or strength to achieve an A in this (stupid) writing class which I am clinging onto by my nails. I will rest and trust in God. Because I am His beloved and favourite, I will enjoy my work and my work will bear good fruit, because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I think this is what my mother has been trying to tell me, but I've been too caught up with my "4.0 GPA FOR THE WIN" lingo, that I totally missed her point. She's okay with me not getting a 4.0 so long as I just do my best- will I be okay too? (I don't know, I really want it, but I will focus more on enjoying learning than simply getting stellar grades.) I hope I'm not contradicting myself, but it's now 2:56am and I'm excused to do so. I'm really just trying to convince myself actually.
TOMORROW:
Statistics exams, one last writing paper due (wake up at 7am to complete).
Finish classes: 12.30pm
eat something small
Ballet: 2 - 5pm
Write Paper: 5 - 6.30pm
Eat something
Dance Theater Group practice: 7 - 9pm
Finish shower: 10pm
Eat some more
Pack for SF: 11-12am
Leave for airport: 2am
I miss my mummy.
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