#1

Hi,

It's been a long while hasn't it? I feel like I'm writing to an old friend who knows me inside out, whom I haven't spoken to in a very long while too. It makes me feel bittersweet, nostalgic and on the verge of bawling everything out. I couldn't say life has been going bad- it wouldn't be fair to God because He's been the most doting Father favouring me with 4 straight As this term in French & Psychology for work I've been barely doing, my Oceanography lab work has been going lovely, as have all my other things with friends, fellowship, and lovely clothes in the mail each week. The only thing tugging my heart now is my paperwork for the transfer to Cornell which will be slightly complicated, but of course, not a problem at all for Papa.

No, I couldn't complain. Not the slightest bit indeed, for I am no ungrateful brat.

But I can't quite describe it. With all that's going so well, better than I had imagined it to be, I still find myself swimming hard to keep afloat. It's almost as though if I, for the slightest second or two stop working or even trying, everything that I've worked for will vanish quicker than I can catch my breath. Today will be my 232th day in the States- it's 2:16 in the morning, I cannot sleep and I have an Anthropology exam in exactly 12 hours which I have not the least bit started studying for. (I am NOT dead meat. I'm just resting.)

The truth is, I don't think I will ever be well. Or well enough to my liking, to my parents' liking, or for my grandparents to not think that I'm ditzy (or demented). The matter of fact is plain, that I'm sincerely sad most of the time. I'm so sad that I don't want to be near people and would rather work alone (to death) in the laboratory, run out to the covered bridge beside the farm at twilight, or take long walks at night by myself to buy a small tub of ginger ice cream and continue walking aimlessly (but not lost). Because I don't know how am I to explain to them should I not wish to speak, or smile, or do anything in social behavioural norm that we expect of ourselves. People aren't allowed to be sad for no apparent reason. But that's not true. People do get sad for no rational reason. I'm sad, because I am. I think I'm just saying this because I can't pinpoint an exact logical explaination, though deep down, I know it to be from the accumulation of experiences all through the past year. I didn't say they were bad experiences- they were just learning experiences I'd like to call it. You don't always have fun as you learn, but at the end of it, you learn. And that's the important bit. If you don't learn, then you're an idiot. I think I should get to bed now. Goodnight.

Lesson #1 to myself tonight:

It's okay to be sad. Just don't let it get you down and move on with it.