#7 Say hi to cows. Lots of cows.

It's 4:36am and I'm just about done with my day. But I couldn't let this slip by without sharing with you some simple ways of understanding economics + politics. It's fantastic, seriously.

Socialism: You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbor

Communism: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

Democracy: You have two cows. A vote is held, and the cows win.

Nazism: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot and block the roads because you want three cows.

Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

German Corporation: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

Italian Corporation: You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch

Mexican Corporation: You have two cows, but you don’t know what they are. You take a nap.

Hong Kong Corporation: You have two cows, you kill them because its bad feng shui

Indian Corporation: You have two cows, you worship them

Swiss Corporation: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

British Corporation: You have two cows. Both are mad.

Russian Corporation: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

Australian Corporation: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

Chinese Communism: You have no cows. Government sets up joint venture with McDoanlds.

Singapore Democracy: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in your apartment

Malaysian Democracy: You have two cows. You enter into a 50 year contract to sell milk to a neighbouring country at 2cents/litre. After 10 years, you change your price without reason to 20cents/litre. 20 years later you change your price to 40cents/litre. The neighbouring country then starts recycling milk.

Apple: You have two cows. They’re translucent! You can see all the guts and stuff. The cows cost more than other cows, but goddamn if they aren’t they the best looking cows around!